Saturday, February 26, 2011

Oh God!!!

About ten years back, a strange thing happened to me. I saw god. He
was 5’5” tall, and had the amazing habit of lifting my spirits even
at my worst PHK (Pita Hua Kutta) moments.

A billion people in India now believe Vishnu has 11 avatars and not
10. And the tenth one happened out of syllabus. This is a quick peek
into how it all transpired…

Vishnu was one day eyeing his beloved children (the people of India)
from his reclining pose on the coiled up Sheshnag. He happened to
notice that most of his children were straying from their daily
religious activities and focusing on a strange new cult. A cult where
a group of 22 people took turns at clobbering a hard ball with a
poorly shaped club. Not feeling particularly amused, he tapped on the
lotus stem emerging from his naval. “Oye, Brahma, you there?” he
shouted.

“ Hey Vish, don’t disturb me”, said Brahma whose well
deserved afternoon nap after a taxing morning task of creating some
humdingers such as Bill Clinton, Osama Bin Laden and Musharaff was
interrupted by Vishnu tapping on the stem of the lotus on top of which
he perched.

“Hey listen dude, we got a problem”, said Vishnu. “This strange cult
called cricket might make us redundant”, said Vishnu pointing to his
aforementioned children.

“Ah, that”, said Brahma dismissively with all the contempt of a
creator addressing a preserver. “That might make you redundant,
buddy, not me” – Brahma knew fully well that for the next 5 billion
years or so, till the sun went Nova, he would continue to have his
hands full creating life, especially since humans had started breeding
at a pace which made the most aggressive rabbit blush and shake his
head in a resigned sort of way. “Now do you mind not disturbing me? I
am contemplating a particularly difficult formula – that of a really
outstanding golfer. Problem is that I want him to have a saintly kind
of demeanor and behaviour, but with the current formula, I can foresee
a major overdose of testosterone. In fact, I think creating Bill
Clinton has sort of muddled up my mind”.

“Come on, Brahms, this is serious stuff. Let the golfer go as it is and
let us plan something that will bring the crowds raving back to me. “

“NO. If I let this golfer go as it is, it is too dangerous. We will have to hide all women from him”

“I said leave it. I need you”

“No”

“Yes, or I will shake the stem really hard. You don’t want another dip
in the milk, do you?”

“Oh ok, ok.”, said Brahma hastily. He had not forgotten what had
happened last time Vishnu did this, just after Brahma had created
Narakasura and Vishnu got really pissed.

Brahma opened his laptop, ran a few quick queries on the URP (Universe
wide Resource Planning) software and said- “With no external
intervention, 83.37% of India will move to the new religion by 2020.
The acceleration will start after the world cup victory of 1983. It
will further increase after the onset of Rahul Dravid, whose formula I
had created a few days back and is now in the creation stage.”

“Oh great. So let us make Rahul a dud.”

“No. Can’t do. You know I can’t reverse the process or mess with it
once the formula is fed into the creation machine”

“Hello, why didn’t you think of this before you created the formula?
Isn’t it standard operating procedure to check all Grade 4 impacts
before you upload the formula on to the production server?” Vishnu
was furious.

“Yeah. But you know, Narada had borrowed my laptop that time, because
he was creating a new musical to worship you. So I couldn’t run the
query”

“Ah. Ok. So now what do we do?” asked Vishnu, slightly mollified.

“ There is one way – quite drastic, but I can see that there is a
probability of 99.9999% that if we take that course, 99.97% of India
will start worshipping you.” The balance 0.03% would consist of Morons
(.029%), die hard cynics(0.00007%), people born of cross fertilization
between humans and monkeys (0.00002%) and a certain politician in
Mumbai(0.00001%). Not really significant”

“Tell me. I am all ears” said Vishnu.

“No, I am, said Brahma Pointing to his 8 ears – (2 ears per head into 4 heads)

“Oh God!!! This is no time for PJs- tell me the plan.” (You might have
noticed and found ludicrous the usage “Oh.God.” But if you look
closely, this was the way the trio of Vishnu, Brahma and Shiva used to
refer to each other before the advent of Hollywood movies corrupted
their formal speech. Even now in times of intense stress, they slip
back to their normal way of speech)

“You have to slip in one extra Avatar between no.9 and no.10. Not
exactly the straight bat, and there will be some fallouts. Vyasa will
be pissed that we are deviating from the plot, but I think I can
manage him.”

Vishnu winced. “Do you mind not using these stupid cricket idioms?
Straight bat indeed” he said, “And what do you mean, one more Avatar?
Can I do that? Is it allowed? What will happen to all the Vedas Vyasa has written which refer to 10 Avatars? And what kind of an Avatar would it be?”

A lesser immortal would have quailed under the onslaught of these 4
rapid question – but not Brahma with 4 pairs of ears and 4 brains.

“Yes, one more Avatar. I will design the formula, and when we upload
it, you just add a dash of your immortal soul just like the last time.
It is not strictly allowed, but are you going to tell? I won’t. This
Avatar will be as the greatest cricketer ever born”

“Hey slow down slow down” Said Vishnu, head reeling a bit as the four
separate answers came simultaneously from Brahma’s four mouths.

But the neurons in Vishnu’s brain were made of the superest of super
conductors and he quickly grasped the gist of it. He said “Wow, what a capital Idea.
Let us do it. That way, we will be going with the tide and they can
continue worshipping cricket. And I will be the god of cricket.”

“Yup, said Brahma. You got it pal. Let us do it. All I need to do is
take the Dravid formula, add a dash of humility, a touch of humor, put a
few curlers on the codes pertaining to hair, drop in a few ‘Ayila!!’
here and there and we will get our cricket god.”

Vishnu coughed hesitantly and said” Hey listen dude, you know, I was
just thinking, actually I was thinking of what you said about that
golfer chap. You know, the guy who was rather taken up with an extra
dash of testosterone. If I am going to do another Avatar, I might as
well sort of enjoy it, you know. I mean, it was great fun being
Krishna – what with 16008 wives and what not. So maybe this time
around, don’t make me a Vaman kind of character. Let us have some pep.
And for good measure, just ensure I am 6’2” tall and have a voice like
thunder”

“Yeah, sure dude, you can count on me”, said Brahma. And he smirked…

15 comments:

mala said...

This is good stuff RamG... The satire reminded me of The Great Indian Novel... Looking forward to more...

Shivakumar said...

Well written RamG!! throughly enjoyed it!! I thought you'll also touch upto another cricketing version after the Golfer with high testosterone - Shane Warne.

Shivakumar said...

Well Written RamG!! Thoroughly enjoyed it!! I thought you'll also touch upon another cricketing version with high testosterone - Shane Warne.

Roon said...

RamG - really loved this piece. Now what the hell are you doing selling stuff to schools!!!!

sapna behar said...

Ramji,
Enjoyed it from start to stop! Specially after watching the match yesterday in the stadium, with 50,000 mad fans going crazy after Sachin's century!
Keep writing...

Paddy said...

good one Ramg ! the style was amusing, and almost sounded satirical of the executive-class ;-)

praveen said...

This is super stuff RamG. A day in the life of gods???

learningful experiences in work and business said...

lovely!! like the dark n "holy" humour, the testostrone formula, and the satire around cricket replacing all kinds of religions. the very idea of an umpire doing a pooja of sir.garry sobbers, kapils and the tendulkars and people offering cricket gear is just so tickeling.loved reading this entire piece, please write more.

raghuraman said...

nice creative thinking! please write frequently...best wishes & warm regards

anj said...

Loved the preview. Now waiting for the book...

anj said...

Loved the preview. Now waiting for the book...

Anonymous said...

Nice blog, Thandi. VN

RajD said...

RamG! good stuff-waiting to see more of the book. Reminiscent of Douglas Adams!

Anonymous said...

Thanks guys

Deependra Baghel said...

Ram G your style is very witty and interesting.i really liked the expression 'interstellar' for self - identity. The narrative you weave transports one in fantasy where one un-burdens one -self but one also experience insights and gets affected too. but your take it easy motto is really inspiring. looking forward to read more narratives from you.

regards
Deependra